There have been a few light bulb moments for me with my anxiety. I've realised a lot of things and still learning others. For me there are times I know I will be around a trigger and sometimes new things seem to set anxiety attacks off.
So here's what I have learnt:
- I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I recently went to the cinema, which ordinarily would be a trigger for me. I usually hate going because I know it will be busy, I don't like the sense of being in the dark and people I don't know sitting around me for a long period of time. Halfway through I was so tempted just to stand up and walk out. But I didn't, mainly because my boyfriend was there to hold my hand, telling me to breathe. But also because I was determined to prove to myself I could do it.
-I can do things I never thought I would be able to. I started work a few weeks ago. I never thought I'd end up working in a secondary school. It is where some of my most painful memories were and I thought being in that environment again history would repeat itself. But it hasn't, so far I've only had a couple bad days where I felt like going home, but I stuck through it. Much like the cinema situation, sitting in assemblies is another trigger for me. But I spoke to management about it and they were happy for me to sit elsewhere. Which helped me see I can be a little more open about my feelings.
-People care about me. Now obviously I know people do, but on my bad days I feel a complete burden, useless and not worth anyones time. But that's just not true, people care about me and how I feel.
But..
I'm still learning to talk to people. There are times I'm feeling down and I just can't put into words how I am feeling. It isn't a thing I can put into words, But I am trying, I've started a journal which should hopefully help. Next time I'm struggling I can write it all down, ramble as much as I like in whatever thought train my brain takes me and show it to whoever is asking. If they look a bit taken aback, it'll help me show just how hard it is to express myself.
Sorry this has been a bit rambly again, but as always if it helps you in any way it's what its here for.
xx
