What its like to have anxiety

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. By that I mean the triggers and how often it happens are different. Its one of those things that is really hard to describe because your head is constantly busy. But the core feelings or symptoms, if you like, are similar (tight chest, feeling sick, jelly legs, shaking etc). The reasons tend to be similar too: bullying, traumatic events, other mental illnesses to name a few.

There's always quotes all over Facebook saying 'Anxiety isn't just panic attacks'. And that's true. For me, it feel like there's a huge weight sitting on my chest and I cant breathe. My hands shake, I get tension headaches and I dig my nails into my skin. I don't do this to purposefully hurt myself and never break the skin, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. Its just a way to distract my brain from the negative thoughts.  There are points in the day where I feel that stressed and overwhelmed I just cry, sometimes I don't even know the reason behind it.

I constantly feel like I am not worth people's time, which the logical side of me knows isn't true. But when I arrange to meet people there's a part of me that always questions why they would want to. As silly and illogical as it may sound. Along with this, it means I find it hard to 'self myself' during interviews because I don't see my worth. I struggle in crowds, busy restaurants, public transport, just anywhere with a lot of people. My head goes into complete overdrive as I hate being stuck in a place where I can't see a way out, I am looking at everyone wondering what they are thinking when they look at me.

For me personally, it's usually when I withdraw completely into myself its because I've ended up at my low point. I sit staring at one place, or curled up with my knees drawn up to my chest. Everything becomes so overwhelming and I have no way to process it when I'm sitting there alone.

There's days when I feel 'fine', days I feel completely low all day and some a mix of the two. Then there's some days that one thing trigger you and it spirals a good day into a bad one. But amongst the negative there's always something positive. What I have realised is my inner strength, the support I have and the little things in life that keep me going. There's probably a lot I've left out either because I've said them in previous posts, or my brain isn't quite willing to share just yet.

xx

Anxiety: It's okay to cry

Today's been a bit rubbish so I thought I'd put this one up earlier than I'd planned to. Also to point out this doesn't just apply to people with anxiety. Everyone has their bad days, weeks and even months. Sometimes it's okay to have a good cry. I'll give you an example that's really personal to me. I've been bullied, that's no secret I've said it before in previous posts, but I've never given any specifics. In fact a lot of my friends and family don't know about this. Bearing in mind this happened about 13 years ago and it's stuck shows how bulling can affect a person.

I was in Year 7 and coming home from school on a public bus like usual. Only this time a boy from Year 11 decided to shout abuse at me down the bus. This led to a bus load of school children laughing at me. At first I was mortified, then I just was too upset I sat at the front of the bus trying to hide my face crying. As he got off the bus he pulled my hair to try to get me to look at him, when I didn't move he shouted more abuse at me and got off the bus. I was that upset I completely missed my bus stop. I just want to point out none of my friends on the bus helped me. Luckily a girl who lived on the next street from me helped me off the bus and walked me home.

To this day going on buses triggers anxiety, I dig my nails into my hands and have to eat mints, sweets or look out the window to distract myself on the journey. I've also realised I tend to rub my nails (weird and also a reason nail polish never lasts on my hands).

So here's what I mean, my hands aren't dirty its shadow..

Back to my main point, if I didn't cry, letting all the feelings out I reckon I wouldn't be able to talk about it now. So crying is good, it doesn't mean you are weak. Cry it out, watch a film, indulge in some treats, then talk to a friend or family member about it. And if you cry again it's okay.


I hope me sharing this extremely personal story helps someone out there.

xx

Anxiety: Relationships

So I don't claim to be an expert at relationships. But I've had my fair share of crappy ones. And those, despite your efforts, are the ones that you end up carrying with you. It means you feel you can't trust anyone and you are terrified of getting hurt again. It doesn't matter how many times your friends tell you really nice things you don't believe it because all you see is the bad stuff.

It also is a trigger for my anxiety, I worry who is looking at me and why, and what they are thinking. There have been times I have been at the point of panic attacks because I am that worried of people around me. There are tonnes of quotes I could come up with to motivate me into changing my thinking, but personally I think its something everyone experiences, some are just better at it than others.

I have realised getting hurt can help you learn. That sometimes walking away, however hard can help in the long run. What matters is how you feel within your self, so I write down things I am grateful for, and try to write one positive thing about myself every week (little steps always work better than throwing yourself into something from my experience). Having a network of support whether its friends or family you can confide in means even when everyone around you seems to be in relationships.. having babies etc. You know there's someone at the other end of a phone or Facebook message to help.

When someone says they like you, appreciate it. Take little steps towards trusting them more. If it works out great, if not its okay to cry a little bit and move on. Take it as another learning experience.

So here I am (mostly) happy to be single and curious what my future holds.

xx

Anxiety: Talking about things

I contacted Mind recently as I have been struggling a lot with anxiety recently. They suggested looking through their leaflets, going to the doctors and signing up to their chat-room called 'Elefriends'. This is basically a place where people with issues from anxiety to Bipolar disorder can talk, share experiences and have a general shared understanding which they would usually lack elsewhere. You can say as much or as little as you feel you can, use your own picture as a profile pic or any random thing like a pet or a quote.

I was initially apprehensive, I could be talking to anyone and could get mocked for the negative thoughts I wanted to share. However I was so wrong, this group are so helpful and even when you share something and get a hug, like or a comment it makes you feel so much better than sharing on Facebook where you may not get any support. I would recommend this to anyone suffering anxiety or any issue!!

xx

Anxiety: Dealing with rejection

The previous anxiety post was to do with interviews, so this ones focus is getting rejected from them. It happens, I've had lots of interviews more than I can count on both hands, and only successful once. Even then the job didn't work out. 

So what do I do..?

I focus on the positives, like at least I got offered an interview in the first place, it gives me more practice and confidence for future interviews. It also helps me talk to professionals, see how different organisations work.

Getting knocked that much can start to get to you. You'll have your bad days, where you feel out of sorts, but the other good days will come. As they say you can't have rainbows without a little rain.

xx

Another update

Just another quick update my graduation ceremony information finally came through! Still have to wait until January but worth the wait.

So I opened the email and at first I was so excited, then the wonder that is anxiety crept in. Which left part of me thinking should I really go? Still debating with myself but definitely going to try to go as it'll be so worth it. And it's not everyday I get to graduate.

Updates soon, and to anyone else feeling like this it's okay!! You're not the only one.

xx

Bonfire night

So on Saturday (7th) I went to a bonfire night celebration at a local park with family and friends. I was both excited and nervous at the same time.

At the time I kept a lot of the anxiety at bay. And levels remained low using all the techniques I could think of. And with 20,000 people there I definitely needed it! 

The photo below, if you look carefull shows all the people that were in front of us. A little hard to tell admittedly but all the things underneath the firework.. Are the people and that wasn't even everyone. Trying to leave the park at the end was crazy! All those people leaving at once (well trying to).

The following day I suffered badly with headaches and severe tiredness how I usually feel after an anxiety attack so I think the events just caught up with me. But all in all I enjoyed it.

That's all for now.

Xx

My Anxiety: dealing with bullies

This post is sort of continuing with my last. But this time I'll start talking about ways I've overcome things. First one bullying, something almost everyone at some point in their life has experienced, unfortunately some more than others. Which is a sad fact really!!

 As I've said before I've been bullied most of my life. It's something I feel comfortable admitting. It's not easy at the time to deal with the comments, taunts etc but over time it gets better. It's probably something we all hear and think "no that'll never happen with me" but it does! As you get older you realise who your friends are, whose just not worth it and who to stay well clear of.

I'm not one of those people that will say stand up to the bullies, because when there's 5 of them and 1 of you.. well its crazy. So talk to a friend, teacher, someone you can trust, if you can't explain it in words write it all down and show it.

Like most of these blogs I'll keep it brief as I know people don't like reading too much text.

Thanks for now, give me a follow, like, comment and I'll do the same back.

xx

My Anxiety: a bit of background

For as long as I can remember I've been bullied for one thing or another. Whether it was my height, the fact I'm half Japanese, well my appearance in general. Many of the things I was bullied have permanently mentally scarred me for life. There are events that happened when I was 6 at school that I remember with such clarity (bearing in mind this was 18 years ago). All of this led to re-occurring panic attacks, feeling sick all the time. When it's at its worst it meant finding any excuse I could not to leave the house. Even now with the coping strategies I have there, are still some bad days.

My anxiety flares up when I'm in crowds. This could be by being in town when it's busy, a busy street, when I used to go out clubbing or even a crowded lift. This often means that when I get asked to go out there's days I'll have to cancel because I start to panic. Which is not only frustrating for me, but I often think my friends too, luckily all of whom are supportive.

I could ramble for ages about it and there's probably things I've forgotten to say, but that's my anxiety in a nutshell. Next time I'll talk about ways I overcome it.


xx