My Scoliosis journey

I decided to do this post because I realised its been about 11 years since I had major surgery. I have Scoliosis. For anyone who doesn't know it is a curvature of the spine. Scoliosis is something you are born with, that usually progresses as you grow. Some people will only have it mildly, whilst others are much more severe. I found out I had it when I was 13 due to collapsing on a day trip to Nottingham (fun day out that turned out to be). One year and many X-rays, appointments and poking and prodding later, it was decided my spine was serious enough to require surgery. At its worst my spine was 75 degrees (away from the centre).

It didn't really sink in until the morning of the surgery when I was showering pre-operation. I remember bits and pieces before surgery, like having to lay watching Big Brother and that a cannula hurts to be put in! Approximately 7 hours later surgery was over and I was woken up in HDU, again memories a little hazy but I was told the couldn't straighten it as much as they wanted to but managed to go from 75 to around 55. They also had to do a bone graft from my hip and put it in my neck bone to prevent my neck from breaking. This was down to the wearing down of my skull into my spine. The surgery itself involves screwing screws and a rod onto the spine to straighten it. The rods and screws were fused from T2 to T12 (no idea, but its about half my spine from the bottom of my neck).

This is me about 5 days after surgery. I stayed in hospital just over a week. About 3 or 4 days I was sitting up and had to remember how to walk again. Which after laying down for that long, not being able to move on my own and now having a metal rod in my spine. It took a little while to get my balance back! I was told I couldn't do any physical activity for a year, so no bungee jumping for me (oh no..)

I had to miss the first month of year 10, which was hard because I had to begin my GCSEs at home and was starting mock exams pretty much as soon as I got back to school again. But I managed with the help from the school and friends. 

Fast forward to today. I still have aches and pains. But without the surgery my quality of life would be so much different. I don't regret having surgery. 

Things I have learnt:

- Scoliosis isn't just back pain. 

- Surgery makes you realise your strength

- It doesn't hold you back

- You will be in pain for the rest of your life the alternative would have meant my life would have

been very different. 

-You have cool scars and a story to tell

My scar is still only just visible. It took me a long time to get comfortable with my scars and now I'm proud of them.  

Any questions just ask :)

xx

Anxiety in the workplace

Most days I look forward to work, and I'm pretty much doing what I've always wanted to. Not only work in a school, but work with children with special educational needs. But there are some days where I'd rather stay in bed. It could be because I know I'll have a really busy day or worry when things change after getting used to a timetable and meeting a new class. 

You shouldn't be ashamed to have anxiety and be at work. Because for the most part, we can work, we know our triggers. As odd as it may sound, working in a school has been good for my anxiety. It may be because you spend all day busy and have little time for the thoughts to creep in.

Panic attacks are terrifying anywhere, but experiencing one at work was another thing entirely. In the few months I've worked at the job I'm in now I've only had one panic attack at work. Now considering the last public one I had was about 5 years ago in college, I reckon that's good going. 

What I thought was going to happen compared to what actually happened:

-I thought I would be told to suck it up and get back to work

-I thought I'd get judged

-I thought no one would understand

-What actually happened was everyone was extremely supportive and let me have some time just to cool down and relax quietly. 

-Everyone made sure I was okay even a few days after. 

A couple things I do to keep anxiety at bay everyday at work:

Inside my planner I have this quote. It sits right next to my timetable so I see it every time I open it. As little as it is, it is a nice pick me up. 

Scentered and essential oils are great for a quick fix. Scentered are a roll on balm which go on your pulse points. These give almost instant relief and smell amazing. 

Weekends are important to rest, as difficult as it may be you need at least one day to switch off and relax. 

I hope my rambling has helped in some way to show that you can work and have anxiety. Your employers will be more okay with it than you think. 

xx

Self-hate and why we should break the cycle

I've struggled to write any post for a while so sorry for it being such a long time. I've struggled for a few reasons, firstly actually settling on a topic, two being tired from work and three I just didn't know how to put into words how I was feeling.

So this time I decided to write about self-hate. Having been bullied all my life by various people, whether it was peers or previous boyfriends. I occasionally get stuck in these 'holes' of self-hate. No matter that right now my life is actually pretty good, one thing at work, home or even just walking down a street can trigger those tiny words in your head that eventually get too much to bear. It's almost like being stuck in a crowded room where everyone talking at the same time, there are no windows so you feel like you can't breathe. Noisy right? That's what anxiety feels like. It's a constant battle of positives and negatives.

There are days I really dislike myself to the point of hate and other days where I feel I look alright. Logically I know it shouldn't matter what I look like on the outside, but sometimes walking past someone on the street you just think, wow I wish I could look different. But the truth is, everyone feels the same.

So here's how we all should break the cycle together because no one should do this alone. Tell your friends and family they are beautiful in their own crazy way. I wouldn't go far as to shout it to random people in the street, but a smile goes a long way. I feel like I've written a similar post before but at the minute this is just what I can manage.


xx

Anxiety: An update

There have been a few light bulb moments for me with my anxiety. I've realised a lot of things and still learning others. For me there are times I know I will be around a trigger and sometimes new things seem to set anxiety attacks off.

So here's what I have learnt:

- I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I recently went to the cinema, which ordinarily would be a trigger for me. I usually hate going because I know it will be busy, I don't like the sense of being in the dark and people I don't know sitting around me for a long period of time. Halfway through I was so tempted just to stand up and walk out. But I didn't, mainly because my boyfriend was there to hold my hand, telling me to breathe. But also because I was determined to prove to myself I could do it.

-I can do things I never thought I would be able to. I started work a few weeks ago. I never thought I'd end up working in a secondary school. It is where some of my most painful memories were and I thought being in that environment again history would repeat itself. But it hasn't, so far I've only had a couple bad days where I felt like going home, but I stuck through it. Much like the cinema situation, sitting in assemblies is another trigger for me. But I spoke to management about it and they were happy for me to sit elsewhere. Which helped me see I can be a little more open about my feelings.

-People care about me. Now obviously I know people do, but on my bad days I feel a complete burden, useless and not worth anyones time. But that's just not true, people care about me and how I feel.

But..
I'm still learning to talk to people. There are times I'm feeling down and I just can't put into words how I am feeling. It isn't a thing I can put into words, But I am trying, I've started a journal which should hopefully help. Next time I'm struggling I can write it all down, ramble as much as I like in whatever thought train my brain takes me and show it to whoever is asking. If they look a bit taken aback, it'll help me show just how hard it is to express myself.

Sorry this has been a bit rambly again, but as always if it helps you in any way it's what its here for.

xx

Why I prefer to stay in at the weekends

It's Friday/ Saturday night. What are you doing? Some people are curled up watching films, others are getting ready for a night out to go to various pubs and clubs. Me? I'm usually the first one, already in my pyjamas as soon as dinner is finished, ready to watch films or TV shows all night.

But I wasn't always like that, there was a time I used to go out nearly every weekend. I used to be able to dance, drink and party all night and into the early hours of the morning. Usually coming home at around 3 or 4 am. Thinking back I wasn't unhappy but I wasn't really happy either. I just didn't realise it was perfectly fine to stay at home. I feel like there is such a social pressure to go out clubbing and drinking when you hit 18 years old, that I felt like I had to. To those out there who think why didn't I just say no? There is that little voice of anxiety inside which makes you feel like if you don't go out, people will stop liking you.

There are many reasons why I don't go out anymore, largely because I've just grown out of it. I just don't really see the appeal of going into a club anymore. Another reason being I never felt like I fit in, by that I mean I never felt pretty. I would look around see my friends and all the girls wear dresses and full makeup and think I have no chance of being noticed. Sometimes I did, and really occasionally attracted the attention of real creeps who think its acceptable to grope inappropriately. I know the point of going out isn't to get noticed, but for me I felt like I had to. Throughout my teens I constantly felt inadequate and plain compared to my friends. On my down days I still feel like this now, but have much better coping strategies.

Sorry I've rambled a bit. If you were to take anything from this it would be just be happy with who you are. If you like partying that's fine and if, like me, you enjoy staying in whilst your friends go out. That's okay too! Your friends won't stop being your friends just because you don't like going out. If so they aren't real friends.

xx

Ways to fix a bad day

Everyone has bad days, you could have had a bad day at work, something could be going on at home, or it could just be one of those days where anxiety is just too much for you. For me, there are some days as I've said before where I can't even face leaving home. There are also some days where I have the luxury of staying in and some I have to go out. On those days there are a few things I do to make those bad days that bit better.

On the days I can stay in I usually do a mixture of things, sometimes I draw or bake. Mostly I just binge on TV shows or end up in a YouTube black hole (we've all been there) or I read a book. But there are 3 main things I do every time:

1. This time of year means any excuse to wear jumpers. But I've found when I'm feeling low a throw on some comfy leggings and jumper. That feeling of comfort makes me feel like I can get through the day.

 2. My guilty pleasure is definitely watching Ellen clips on YouTube. She always cheers me up when I need to smile. I picked out a couple of my favourite guests, Wanda Sykes and Melissa McCarthy.

3. Going on Pinterest and just browsing. sometimes I pick something like Harry Potter and type funny or facts. Other times I look up quotes, or random funny things. This ends up getting me through a bug chunk of my day. Pinterest is great at making you find completely random, funny or cute things (sometimes a combination of the three), and before you know it you are sitting there smiling. 

I realise the last two are really just being glued to a screen, but reading a book is just as good. I mainly fall back on having YouTube on as a way to plug headphones in and just be in my own world. Its also because I spend a lot of the day applying for jobs so helps me concentrate. There are so many things you could do and these were just a handful of my examples. But bad days do pass, sometimes the bad days turn into a bad week. But that's okay, just keep going. Things always get better.

xx

Stress and pressure

For me stress and pressure are linked so it made sense for me to merge them into one post. People get stressed and people feel pressure at some point in their lives for all sorts of reasons. Usually these feelings come at the same time. The main ones being work, family and friends, money and society.

Society has become one that has caused more pressure for a lot of people, myself included. Whilst there are days when I can say:

                   'I am me and shouldn't let other people's appearance impact me..'

That isn't always possible. The media puts pressure and girls (and boys) to look a certain way. So sometimes when I watch films or TV programmes, I feel completely inadequate and a pressure to do more to look 'good'. But I eventually convince myself to get back to a level where I feel even slightly okay about how I look. I mainly do this by talking to friends, or I just let the emotions out which more often then not helps the feeling pass.

Work pressure is another massive issue for people. This could be to do with workload from school/college/uni or when you get a job. Finding work for me has been extremely stressful and slowly felt more and more pressure to get one otherwise I wouldn't have money to do things I enjoyed and end up having to spend the rest of my life job hunting. This attitude isn't necessarily helpful getting you into work. So I had to keep telling myself it will happen soon, it just takes longer for me than everyone else. It doesn't mean employers don't like me, just I tend to lack experience.  

When these pressures build up it makes me stressed. Then I start to stress over the little things which then leads onto getting frustrated very quickly. Even over the little things. So here's a couple examples of one thought train I've had quite alot:

-I could be job searching for a month, then get stressed with not getting anything or one interview and being turned down. This then turns into frustration, then slowly turns into anger. Then anger usually leads to tears. I'm one of those people who cry when they're angry so it tends to lead to tears. This cycle could happen everyday for a week before the penny finally drops and I realise I just need to be patient.

-Throughout school up until university I have always hated not understanding a topic. And there's sometimes I could sit for ages and someone could attempt to explain it and I just can't get it. Which then stresses me out because I have to understand it for an exam/essay. This again leads to frustration and more tears. But it's okay not to understand something, you can't expect to know everything in life because what is easy for you is difficult for others.

xx

What its like to have anxiety

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. By that I mean the triggers and how often it happens are different. Its one of those things that is really hard to describe because your head is constantly busy. But the core feelings or symptoms, if you like, are similar (tight chest, feeling sick, jelly legs, shaking etc). The reasons tend to be similar too: bullying, traumatic events, other mental illnesses to name a few.

There's always quotes all over Facebook saying 'Anxiety isn't just panic attacks'. And that's true. For me, it feel like there's a huge weight sitting on my chest and I cant breathe. My hands shake, I get tension headaches and I dig my nails into my skin. I don't do this to purposefully hurt myself and never break the skin, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. Its just a way to distract my brain from the negative thoughts.  There are points in the day where I feel that stressed and overwhelmed I just cry, sometimes I don't even know the reason behind it.

I constantly feel like I am not worth people's time, which the logical side of me knows isn't true. But when I arrange to meet people there's a part of me that always questions why they would want to. As silly and illogical as it may sound. Along with this, it means I find it hard to 'self myself' during interviews because I don't see my worth. I struggle in crowds, busy restaurants, public transport, just anywhere with a lot of people. My head goes into complete overdrive as I hate being stuck in a place where I can't see a way out, I am looking at everyone wondering what they are thinking when they look at me.

For me personally, it's usually when I withdraw completely into myself its because I've ended up at my low point. I sit staring at one place, or curled up with my knees drawn up to my chest. Everything becomes so overwhelming and I have no way to process it when I'm sitting there alone.

There's days when I feel 'fine', days I feel completely low all day and some a mix of the two. Then there's some days that one thing trigger you and it spirals a good day into a bad one. But amongst the negative there's always something positive. What I have realised is my inner strength, the support I have and the little things in life that keep me going. There's probably a lot I've left out either because I've said them in previous posts, or my brain isn't quite willing to share just yet.

xx

Life lessons

It seems a bit early to be reflecting on life. But there is a lot that has happened and I've learnt a lot from it. A lot of these are quite similar, or link, so if I end up repeating myself. Firstly sorry, and second, I find if I keep telling myself something over and over, eventually I'll find a way to believe it.

1. Don't believe the things you tell yourself late at night
Everyone does this to some degree, just some more than others. You've put your pj's on and get comfy in bed then thoughts start to creep up on you, before you know it, you are in a thick fog of negativity. But pondering on the negative doesn't help you, it affects your sleep which in turn will affect you the following day. Those negative thoughts at any time of the day are false and finding a way to change your thinking will help. I can do a more detailed post in the future when I am further into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) than I currently am.

2. Things get better
There will be points in your life where you hit low points and sometimes rock bottom. But from that you'll begin to build yourself back up again. It could be anything, like sitting talking to a friend and you laugh until your sides hurt and think, wow I haven't laughed like that in so long. Or someone comes along that makes you feel happy again. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, its the little things that help keep you positive and eventually build you up to a place where you feel comfortable again.

3. You are worth it
You'll get into relationships and friendships where you aren't always appreciated, or get treated badly. And it hurts. A lot. So when something good does come along, it makes you feel like its too good to be true, or the more popular:
             'What did I do to deserve this?'
And the answer simply is: Because you do. You've found someone who fully supports and appreciates you.
There are people in life you'll come across who aren't nice. But you need to learn to find a way to accept that you are worth the good attention you receive and heal from the bad. It will take a while and you'll feel worse on some days more than others. Stick at it, once you are on the other side it will feel worthwhile.

4. Be true to who you are
You should always be true to yourself. Even if that self is completely different to what is splashed across magazines. If you are a person who loves sitting in on a Friday night instead of putting on makeup and going clubbing that's fine (and vice versa). But don't do it because you feel pressured into it, it's okay to say no. Your friends will understand if they are good friends.

5. Don't regret, learn and find a way to heal.. Enough said really..

I hope you can take something from this ramble and that it helps in some way. Even if its that someone else is thinking the same as you.

xx

Anxiety misconceptions

Anyone who has any kind of illness, whether its physical, mental or anything else that I can't think of, always face negativity. Here's some things that have been said to me and what its like for me in reality.

'You look fine' 
'You must be faking it'  
'Get over it'  
'I get sad sometimes too so just come out. It'll make you feel better'  
'You don't look like you are suffering'

I could be here all day.. So here's what its like for me in reality.

Most days I go through a whole day where I am fine. By fine I mean I have little to no negative thoughts, and if I do I manage. But on my bad days, everything I do, even the little things like texting friends or leaving the house to go to the shop is a struggle. What's frustrating is that I wish I could go out more. That the thought of going to a restaurant doesn't bring me to a crying mess because I'm worried what people will think of me. There's days where I have to force myself to do things that scare me. That could be something as simple as going to the cinema. What I'm trying to say is that, like anyone, I have good days and bad days.

To those who think people are faking mental illness, try thinking of the last time you were sad, angry, worried or scared. Combine all of those feelings and imagine feeling like that constantly for a week, then a month. Now imagine living with it for a year. Mental health is something we have to take so much more seriously. Just because someone looks as though they aren't struggling doesn't mean they aren't. If you think of it that way you will realise it isn't something that you just 'get over'. Its a constant battle.

This post has come across as a bit more of a rant than I'd like. And I've tried to be as careful as I can how I've worded things, But it is also showing you shouldn't judge someone by the smile on their face because sometimes its hiding a lot of thoughts, most of which could be negative.

xx

Beauty: A state of mind

After having a really bad day a few days ago I felt it the right time to write about this. All of my life I've struggled with the way I look. There are times when I'm walking by a mirror whether its through a shopping centre, my house or sometimes any kind of reflective surface and I have to look away. On those days I become incredibly withdrawn, I cry over everything and I feel like a burden. The thoughts that go through my head are that I'm ugly, disgusting, stupid... and all those kind of awful negative words.

What helped me was talking. Crazy and simple as it sounds, talking to a partner, best friend or family member can do you the world of good. Why? Because they see you for how you really are, not how you think they see you. They see your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty. By inner beauty I mean your strength, kindness and love.

I honestly believe beauty is a state of mind, because on those bad days, I feel drained. But after I let out all the feelings, and took in (and accepted) how others see me. I felt so much better, it wasn't like it was a magic switch and I suddenly felt beautiful. But I felt like I could look in the mirror and not hate it. I felt like I was loved for who I was, which showed that I can't be as bad as I think if people love and care for me.

But you shouldn't judge yourself based on how others look, because more than likely they are looking at you and thinking exactly the same. What needs to change is how the media portray both women and men. Truth is the people in those magazines don't look like the people in the magazines. It's all been airbrushed, photo shopped and filtered to hide the spots, lumps and bumps that everyone has. Another thing that needs to change is educating children to seeing that we should not only accept our differences but embrace them. Also that beauty isn't just how we look on the outside, but our inner selves too. And hopefully bullying will decrease, which may be a wild dream, but you never know.

xx

Growing up 'mixed-race'

I wrote mixed race in quotation marks in the title for a reason. That reason being because there are many terms used but this one seems to be the one people use the most (myself included). If it does offend I apologise, but is exactly why I put it in those quotation marks.

 I'm half Japanese, my mum is Japanese and my dad is English. I've lived in England my whole life.

For the most part people think it's pretty cool to be half Japanese, and it is! Its meant I've grown up around being able to try different and amazing foods, been able to visit Japan on several occasions to see family and it has opened my eyes to understanding another culture first hand.

But with that I've faced quite a bit of racism too. I've had someone shout at me in the street telling me go to back to my own country and people saying all sorts of words to me, which I won't write down because its completely offensive and doesn't need to be repeated.

There have also been times when someone will say 'are you Chinese?' and when I reply no half Japanese, I'll get the occasional response of 'Well what's the difference?'...Well its a different country for a start...

The best way to react to racism? Is to not react to it. Most of the time its just idiots trying to look hard by intimidating people. The other times its just lack of understanding.

Overall its pretty great and enjoy being able to tell people about the adventures I've been on, foods I've tried and generally random stuff I know. I hope anyone else is able to feel comfortable and proud of who they are and no one should make you feel otherwise.

xx

Dealing with exam/assignment stress

Exam season is here, which means for many, its a month or so of stress..stress and more stress. It took me a long time to be able to mange how I dealt with revision, assignments and exams. even the words 'you have an exam' makes some people (myself included) feel like your stomach is dropping. So here's what I do:

1. Use alot of colour- highlighters, pens, pencils.. anything that you can do to highlight important information like equations, quotes..etc. Using colour is a good way for me to remember things, I will highlight information..then write down what I can remember and see if I got it right. If highlighting is impossible (like because its a library book) then write things down in sections, separate with colour make it something you want to read. 

2. Treat yourself- You know all that loose change you have stocked up somewhere? It probably adds up to more than you think. So add it up, find something you want to buy and when your exams are over buy it as a treat for yourself... Well maybe don't give £40 in change to a shop, I don't think they will appreciate that too much.. 

3. Snacks- I'm a big fan of snacking, doesn't always have to be healthy!! fizzy strawberry laces are a big favourite for me.

4. One big thing is rest. Getting sleep, however difficult, is important. It'll help you feel more relaxed and you won't worry about sleeping through an exam. 

I hope this has helped a little, even if it meant you were reading this while having a break from revision, good luck to everyone and hope you all stay as relaxed as possible :)

xx

Regret

You always hear people saying 'I wish I didn't do that' or 'I regret that'. I've been known on occasion to say it, but do we always mean it? Sure sometimes we joke about regretting that extra cupcake or takeaway. But its the bigger things like relationships or the conversations we have that can directly impact our lives that make us feel true regret.

I've always been one to say you can learn from the mistakes you make, for example being in a destructive relationship. By destructive I mean one where one partner causes sometimes irreparable damage to the other whether that's through physical or emotional pain. Once its over you feel a whole mix of emotions, regret being one of them. But we shouldn't hold onto that regret as it can hold you back from new and exciting things, like meeting new people and starting new relationships.

A lot of the pain will still be there, that can stay around a while, but letting go of regretting your decisions means you learn if you were ever in that situation again, you'll know how to deal with it. In theory of course because in reality it's easy enough saying let go and things will be fine, but regret links with so many other emotions that it takes time, learning to build yourself up and learning to trust again.

If there's one thing to take away from this its that everyone makes mistakes and everyone feels regret. But you shouldn't let it rule your life.

xx

Optimism and the little things

There have been many times throughout my life where I hit some pretty low points. It's only really in the past two years where I really felt I could be more optimistic than I used to. Being optimistic does have its perks, especially when the people you care most about are feeling down. Trying to see something good or positive in their situations can sometimes help show them the bigger picture. 

I always try to see the good in everyone and everything, mainly because there usually is something. Admittedly some things are harder to find good in than others!! I feel like if you see the good as well as the bad in things it helps you see the world isn't always against you. And despite the awful things that may be going on, there are things that make you restore your faith in humanity. 

Not only this but I try to find the little things in life that help cheer you up. Because like they say its the little things in life that make it worthwhile. It could be anything from a hug, a text, or even a Sunny day. I took a few pictures to show only a few of mine:

Learning to play new songs on the keyboard. It took me about 2 hours to learn the chorus of Let it Go from Frozen. To some that seems an incredibly long time to learn, but my memory and co-ordination is terrible so its an achievement in itself. 

 Haribo Tangfastics are by far the best sweets to eat when you want to watch a movie and just chill out. Fizzy sweets in general really..

 I was in Sheffield last week, and went to Edale in the Peak District, Going on long muddy walks with some amazing company is by far the best way to enjoy some peace and quiet. The picture below was where we sat (on the only bench for miles) for lunch.

To many these things are nothing, but to me these are the little things that give my life that extra sparkle. 

xx

Fear

Everyone is afraid of something, and if you say you aren't you are kidding yourself. Because we, as humans, are born with fear. We need it to survive otherwise all those thousands of years ago, all of our ancestors would have been eaten by tigers or something.. Sure over time we develop new ones and may learn how to overcome it, but the fear response is always there. So, I'll give you three of the bigger ones and how it can sometimes trigger anxiety. 

-Deep water, especially when you can't see or reach the bottom. This fear stems from a couple of bad experiences in water. It got to a point where I would think of any excuse I could to not go in a swimming pool. Luckily now I can at least walk in up to my waist without panicking. 

-Crowds, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I hate going into town when it's busy. Sometimes I don't really have a choice if I'm passing through or meeting someone. But in terms of shopping I avoid going in after lunchtime. 

-Small spaces, I regularly dream of being trapped in tiny spaces (I'll do a dream blog post soon I think). The fear of not being able to move or getting stuck somewhere is a massive fear for me. 

I think looking at these its a general fear of feeling or being trapped. Which says a lot about my anxiety and triggers as these ones are usually the ones to cause me the most panic.

Overcoming fear is difficult, it takes hard work, small steps and a lot of support. For example I didn't just jump in a pool again to make me feel safe in water, I started at the shallow end and worked my way through. Is it scary? Sure, but with the right support from friends and family it can help you significantly more than going it alone. 

xx

Being shy

I've been wanting to do this post for a while. Being shy for me isn't just hiding in the corner at parties or being quiet round new people, it's a genuine fear of unknown situations and to some extent conversations where I have to say more than usual. I feel it is also another root to my anxiety. 

Anyone who has read my older posts knows I've been bullied, but the shyness for me runs a lot deeper. My whole life I've been talked over and had people roll their eyes when I actually start talking, so it gradually got easier to keep quiet. People often mistake this quietness for being rude or reserved. When in fact I have quite a lot to say I just feel like I can't, its easy enough to say 'talk more' or 'stop being shy', and I would like more than anything for me to be able to do that. But like with many things in life, it just isn't that easy.

Going to uni, meeting new people and the experiences I gained from that have helped me come out of the shyness more than I ever expected it to. Now although I struggle sometimes, it's definitely easier to talk more than I used to be. I feel like I can voice my opinion and not have people roll their eyes at me. The days I do struggle, I feel frustrated more than anything because I know I can do it. 

I learnt that there's more people who care what you have to say compared to those who don't. I also learnt that it isn't my fault, I never have, or will do say something that would purposefully offend someone. So its not like people spoke over me to shut me up. Fair enough I'm not the loudest person, growing up in a family where I was taught to be respectful and keep my voice levels reasonably quiet. But that gives no one the right to treat people with any less respect because they have been brought up differently. If you take anything from this post it would be to not disregard someone because they are shy, more often than not they have plenty to say they are just afraid to say it. 

This post ended up more of a rant than I expected. So, I'll leave the post with the flowers I bought for mum for Mother's Day, because they are really pretty and the weather has been really dreadful so bring a little colour to an otherwise grey and rainy day. 

xx

Changing/ Moving school

I figured I could do something that could appeal to a slightly younger audience. Although this is still pretty relevant to any teachers, parents with children or younger siblings. Moving school especially when everyone else is already settled in can be terrifying, so thought I'd share my experience of moving schools.

Thinking way..way.. back in Year Six (aged 11) I was both excited and nervous to start secondary school. Of course what followed was a year and a bit of on/ off being bullied and generally just disliking school. But at the start of Year 8 I got a letter through the post saying I was somehow enrolled into two schools, and if I wanted to move schools I could. I absolutely jumped at this chance. By around October/ November a few meetings with senior staff and entrance exams later, I had moved school. Just to point out what I did find funny was I was in bottom set for maths in the previous school but the test placed me in second set (For anyone unsure of how sets work, classes are set by ability). So either I was in a seriously high achieving school beforehand, or I just was never tested properly until then.

The first month or so was me settling in, I already knew several people from primary school so was lucky in that respect. It felt a little hard having to sort of latch onto someone else's friendship group, but they were (and still are) pretty great so wasn't too hard. What surprised me the most is how comfortable I felt, there were some amazing people I met at my first secondary school I won't discount that at all. But at this school I felt much more relaxed, bullying was reduced to a minimum and I started to enjoy going to school again. From then it just got easier to make friends of my own, and now here we are around 11 years later. I'm still friends with a few of the people at my first school and a lot more from my second.

Here's what I learnt from this:
- People are a lot more welcoming then you think
- The thought of moving could be scary but its worth it
- Don't discount the good, it can help you through the bad times
- You are more capable then you realise

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Anxiety: Journeys

I thought I'd talk about journeys, I don't mean the personal journey of my life because even though a lot has happened there's still a lot to go, and I'm enjoying the mystery of it all. No, I mean journeys to and from places, anywhere from meeting a friend, going to an interview or just going to a new shop.

I hate the thought of being lost, and causes quite a bit of anxiety. And even though it still happens occasionally, with these steps it only occurs rarely now.

1- Know where you are going- For me knowing exactly where I am going eases my anxiety a lot. For example if you have a job interview, knowing the location, post code and general area means you not only will be there early, but have one less thing to worry about.

2- Look at a map- This leads nicely onto looking at maps, with the technology today Google maps is a life saver as it means you can look at a satellite view as well as the road view. However if you like to go old school and look at a map that works too. Have a look where it is, how far it is from home and think how long it will take.

3- Plan a route- Once you've had a look at the map, plan the route that suits you best. If you are using Google maps they will usually provide the route for you. But more often then not you'll find your own route you'll feel most comfortable with. See how long it takes using whatever mode of transport you use, as you'll have to know which buses you'll have to take if you don't have a car.

4- Pick out memorable landmarks- Using the satellite, I usually drag and drop the little yellow man and walk along the route where I have to walk. This sounds mad but when you are unfamiliar with the area you need to be able to pick out landmarks that will remind you you are still going the right way. And by memorable I mean, shops, a park, a building. Anything that will make you think yes I know where I'm going and feel a little calmer.

I screenshot parts of the route where there's junctions to make sure I don't veer off in the wrong direction. Also listening to music or audio books can help make the journey go a lot faster and acts as a good distraction. A final part which I regularly forget about is accounting for traffic and the time of day you have to go out. If it's early and mid afternoon you'll hit the school rush traffic. It also means the buses are packed with school kids.

I hope this has helped if you feel like you struggle with going on journeys.

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Anxiety: A-Z Part 3

Here's the final part of my A-Z of anxiety.

R- Reassure: So constant reassurance can be a little stifling, but having people who care and tell you the feeling will pass soon helps. The same goes for being that person who's there for someone when they need a bit of help. 

S- Self-care: Looking after yourself is key, whether you have anxiety or not. Making sure you eat, sleep and get some exercise everyday helps maintain you health. And when you feel well you've usually got one less thing to worry about. 

T- Triggers: Triggers are something that..well.. trigger anxiety. It could be going into crowds and you start to feel panicky, or small spaces and you want more than anything to get out. 

U-Understanding: Having someone even if it's one person who just gets how your feeling is great. Because it means you can confide in them knowing they can help. Also having you own personal experiences means you can help others too. Which leads nicely onto the next one: value. 

V- Value: Everyone is valuable whether you feel it or not. Everyone means something to someone and to me no one is alone. There is always something you are good at whether its listening, talking, drawing etc. Never underestimate how valuable you are. 

W- Walking: Walking is good for the soul, there's always something wonderful you come across. Like in Autumn walking through fallen leaves or in Summer seeing the Sun shining through the trees. Not only that but its great exercise, you don't have to walk alone. In fact walking with a friend I'd recommend more it does me more good than walking alone. 

X- Extreme emotions: So there's not a lot beginning with X apart from xylophone.. So had to improvise a little. So extreme emotions and anxiety seem to go hand in hand, it feels like even tiny things can get blown way out of proportion. You analyse every possible scenario that probably won't even happen, which makes you miss out on a few things. 

Y- Yoga: This can be very relaxing, much like meditation it'll take at least a week before you really begin to feel a difference. It's another good form of exercise and helps with breathing techniques you can use day to day. 

Z- ZZZ (sleep): Again like with the letter X.. I think there's little beginning with Z. Sleep can be a bit of a problem, but it's important to get some every night. The only way I can get to sleep is either by listening to an audiobook or music. At the minute Tina Fey's autobiography 'BossyPants' is a favourite, but My Sister's Keeper is a close second. Listening to either one of these helps me sleep throughout the night, where I couldn't before. 

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