Beauty: A state of mind

After having a really bad day a few days ago I felt it the right time to write about this. All of my life I've struggled with the way I look. There are times when I'm walking by a mirror whether its through a shopping centre, my house or sometimes any kind of reflective surface and I have to look away. On those days I become incredibly withdrawn, I cry over everything and I feel like a burden. The thoughts that go through my head are that I'm ugly, disgusting, stupid... and all those kind of awful negative words.

What helped me was talking. Crazy and simple as it sounds, talking to a partner, best friend or family member can do you the world of good. Why? Because they see you for how you really are, not how you think they see you. They see your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty. By inner beauty I mean your strength, kindness and love.

I honestly believe beauty is a state of mind, because on those bad days, I feel drained. But after I let out all the feelings, and took in (and accepted) how others see me. I felt so much better, it wasn't like it was a magic switch and I suddenly felt beautiful. But I felt like I could look in the mirror and not hate it. I felt like I was loved for who I was, which showed that I can't be as bad as I think if people love and care for me.

But you shouldn't judge yourself based on how others look, because more than likely they are looking at you and thinking exactly the same. What needs to change is how the media portray both women and men. Truth is the people in those magazines don't look like the people in the magazines. It's all been airbrushed, photo shopped and filtered to hide the spots, lumps and bumps that everyone has. Another thing that needs to change is educating children to seeing that we should not only accept our differences but embrace them. Also that beauty isn't just how we look on the outside, but our inner selves too. And hopefully bullying will decrease, which may be a wild dream, but you never know.

xx

Growing up 'mixed-race'

I wrote mixed race in quotation marks in the title for a reason. That reason being because there are many terms used but this one seems to be the one people use the most (myself included). If it does offend I apologise, but is exactly why I put it in those quotation marks.

 I'm half Japanese, my mum is Japanese and my dad is English. I've lived in England my whole life.

For the most part people think it's pretty cool to be half Japanese, and it is! Its meant I've grown up around being able to try different and amazing foods, been able to visit Japan on several occasions to see family and it has opened my eyes to understanding another culture first hand.

But with that I've faced quite a bit of racism too. I've had someone shout at me in the street telling me go to back to my own country and people saying all sorts of words to me, which I won't write down because its completely offensive and doesn't need to be repeated.

There have also been times when someone will say 'are you Chinese?' and when I reply no half Japanese, I'll get the occasional response of 'Well what's the difference?'...Well its a different country for a start...

The best way to react to racism? Is to not react to it. Most of the time its just idiots trying to look hard by intimidating people. The other times its just lack of understanding.

Overall its pretty great and enjoy being able to tell people about the adventures I've been on, foods I've tried and generally random stuff I know. I hope anyone else is able to feel comfortable and proud of who they are and no one should make you feel otherwise.

xx

Dealing with exam/assignment stress

Exam season is here, which means for many, its a month or so of stress..stress and more stress. It took me a long time to be able to mange how I dealt with revision, assignments and exams. even the words 'you have an exam' makes some people (myself included) feel like your stomach is dropping. So here's what I do:

1. Use alot of colour- highlighters, pens, pencils.. anything that you can do to highlight important information like equations, quotes..etc. Using colour is a good way for me to remember things, I will highlight information..then write down what I can remember and see if I got it right. If highlighting is impossible (like because its a library book) then write things down in sections, separate with colour make it something you want to read. 

2. Treat yourself- You know all that loose change you have stocked up somewhere? It probably adds up to more than you think. So add it up, find something you want to buy and when your exams are over buy it as a treat for yourself... Well maybe don't give £40 in change to a shop, I don't think they will appreciate that too much.. 

3. Snacks- I'm a big fan of snacking, doesn't always have to be healthy!! fizzy strawberry laces are a big favourite for me.

4. One big thing is rest. Getting sleep, however difficult, is important. It'll help you feel more relaxed and you won't worry about sleeping through an exam. 

I hope this has helped a little, even if it meant you were reading this while having a break from revision, good luck to everyone and hope you all stay as relaxed as possible :)

xx

Regret

You always hear people saying 'I wish I didn't do that' or 'I regret that'. I've been known on occasion to say it, but do we always mean it? Sure sometimes we joke about regretting that extra cupcake or takeaway. But its the bigger things like relationships or the conversations we have that can directly impact our lives that make us feel true regret.

I've always been one to say you can learn from the mistakes you make, for example being in a destructive relationship. By destructive I mean one where one partner causes sometimes irreparable damage to the other whether that's through physical or emotional pain. Once its over you feel a whole mix of emotions, regret being one of them. But we shouldn't hold onto that regret as it can hold you back from new and exciting things, like meeting new people and starting new relationships.

A lot of the pain will still be there, that can stay around a while, but letting go of regretting your decisions means you learn if you were ever in that situation again, you'll know how to deal with it. In theory of course because in reality it's easy enough saying let go and things will be fine, but regret links with so many other emotions that it takes time, learning to build yourself up and learning to trust again.

If there's one thing to take away from this its that everyone makes mistakes and everyone feels regret. But you shouldn't let it rule your life.

xx

Optimism and the little things

There have been many times throughout my life where I hit some pretty low points. It's only really in the past two years where I really felt I could be more optimistic than I used to. Being optimistic does have its perks, especially when the people you care most about are feeling down. Trying to see something good or positive in their situations can sometimes help show them the bigger picture. 

I always try to see the good in everyone and everything, mainly because there usually is something. Admittedly some things are harder to find good in than others!! I feel like if you see the good as well as the bad in things it helps you see the world isn't always against you. And despite the awful things that may be going on, there are things that make you restore your faith in humanity. 

Not only this but I try to find the little things in life that help cheer you up. Because like they say its the little things in life that make it worthwhile. It could be anything from a hug, a text, or even a Sunny day. I took a few pictures to show only a few of mine:

Learning to play new songs on the keyboard. It took me about 2 hours to learn the chorus of Let it Go from Frozen. To some that seems an incredibly long time to learn, but my memory and co-ordination is terrible so its an achievement in itself. 

 Haribo Tangfastics are by far the best sweets to eat when you want to watch a movie and just chill out. Fizzy sweets in general really..

 I was in Sheffield last week, and went to Edale in the Peak District, Going on long muddy walks with some amazing company is by far the best way to enjoy some peace and quiet. The picture below was where we sat (on the only bench for miles) for lunch.

To many these things are nothing, but to me these are the little things that give my life that extra sparkle. 

xx

Fear

Everyone is afraid of something, and if you say you aren't you are kidding yourself. Because we, as humans, are born with fear. We need it to survive otherwise all those thousands of years ago, all of our ancestors would have been eaten by tigers or something.. Sure over time we develop new ones and may learn how to overcome it, but the fear response is always there. So, I'll give you three of the bigger ones and how it can sometimes trigger anxiety. 

-Deep water, especially when you can't see or reach the bottom. This fear stems from a couple of bad experiences in water. It got to a point where I would think of any excuse I could to not go in a swimming pool. Luckily now I can at least walk in up to my waist without panicking. 

-Crowds, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I hate going into town when it's busy. Sometimes I don't really have a choice if I'm passing through or meeting someone. But in terms of shopping I avoid going in after lunchtime. 

-Small spaces, I regularly dream of being trapped in tiny spaces (I'll do a dream blog post soon I think). The fear of not being able to move or getting stuck somewhere is a massive fear for me. 

I think looking at these its a general fear of feeling or being trapped. Which says a lot about my anxiety and triggers as these ones are usually the ones to cause me the most panic.

Overcoming fear is difficult, it takes hard work, small steps and a lot of support. For example I didn't just jump in a pool again to make me feel safe in water, I started at the shallow end and worked my way through. Is it scary? Sure, but with the right support from friends and family it can help you significantly more than going it alone. 

xx

Being shy

I've been wanting to do this post for a while. Being shy for me isn't just hiding in the corner at parties or being quiet round new people, it's a genuine fear of unknown situations and to some extent conversations where I have to say more than usual. I feel it is also another root to my anxiety. 

Anyone who has read my older posts knows I've been bullied, but the shyness for me runs a lot deeper. My whole life I've been talked over and had people roll their eyes when I actually start talking, so it gradually got easier to keep quiet. People often mistake this quietness for being rude or reserved. When in fact I have quite a lot to say I just feel like I can't, its easy enough to say 'talk more' or 'stop being shy', and I would like more than anything for me to be able to do that. But like with many things in life, it just isn't that easy.

Going to uni, meeting new people and the experiences I gained from that have helped me come out of the shyness more than I ever expected it to. Now although I struggle sometimes, it's definitely easier to talk more than I used to be. I feel like I can voice my opinion and not have people roll their eyes at me. The days I do struggle, I feel frustrated more than anything because I know I can do it. 

I learnt that there's more people who care what you have to say compared to those who don't. I also learnt that it isn't my fault, I never have, or will do say something that would purposefully offend someone. So its not like people spoke over me to shut me up. Fair enough I'm not the loudest person, growing up in a family where I was taught to be respectful and keep my voice levels reasonably quiet. But that gives no one the right to treat people with any less respect because they have been brought up differently. If you take anything from this post it would be to not disregard someone because they are shy, more often than not they have plenty to say they are just afraid to say it. 

This post ended up more of a rant than I expected. So, I'll leave the post with the flowers I bought for mum for Mother's Day, because they are really pretty and the weather has been really dreadful so bring a little colour to an otherwise grey and rainy day. 

xx