Anxiety: An update

There have been a few light bulb moments for me with my anxiety. I've realised a lot of things and still learning others. For me there are times I know I will be around a trigger and sometimes new things seem to set anxiety attacks off.

So here's what I have learnt:

- I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I recently went to the cinema, which ordinarily would be a trigger for me. I usually hate going because I know it will be busy, I don't like the sense of being in the dark and people I don't know sitting around me for a long period of time. Halfway through I was so tempted just to stand up and walk out. But I didn't, mainly because my boyfriend was there to hold my hand, telling me to breathe. But also because I was determined to prove to myself I could do it.

-I can do things I never thought I would be able to. I started work a few weeks ago. I never thought I'd end up working in a secondary school. It is where some of my most painful memories were and I thought being in that environment again history would repeat itself. But it hasn't, so far I've only had a couple bad days where I felt like going home, but I stuck through it. Much like the cinema situation, sitting in assemblies is another trigger for me. But I spoke to management about it and they were happy for me to sit elsewhere. Which helped me see I can be a little more open about my feelings.

-People care about me. Now obviously I know people do, but on my bad days I feel a complete burden, useless and not worth anyones time. But that's just not true, people care about me and how I feel.

But..
I'm still learning to talk to people. There are times I'm feeling down and I just can't put into words how I am feeling. It isn't a thing I can put into words, But I am trying, I've started a journal which should hopefully help. Next time I'm struggling I can write it all down, ramble as much as I like in whatever thought train my brain takes me and show it to whoever is asking. If they look a bit taken aback, it'll help me show just how hard it is to express myself.

Sorry this has been a bit rambly again, but as always if it helps you in any way it's what its here for.

xx

Why I prefer to stay in at the weekends

It's Friday/ Saturday night. What are you doing? Some people are curled up watching films, others are getting ready for a night out to go to various pubs and clubs. Me? I'm usually the first one, already in my pyjamas as soon as dinner is finished, ready to watch films or TV shows all night.

But I wasn't always like that, there was a time I used to go out nearly every weekend. I used to be able to dance, drink and party all night and into the early hours of the morning. Usually coming home at around 3 or 4 am. Thinking back I wasn't unhappy but I wasn't really happy either. I just didn't realise it was perfectly fine to stay at home. I feel like there is such a social pressure to go out clubbing and drinking when you hit 18 years old, that I felt like I had to. To those out there who think why didn't I just say no? There is that little voice of anxiety inside which makes you feel like if you don't go out, people will stop liking you.

There are many reasons why I don't go out anymore, largely because I've just grown out of it. I just don't really see the appeal of going into a club anymore. Another reason being I never felt like I fit in, by that I mean I never felt pretty. I would look around see my friends and all the girls wear dresses and full makeup and think I have no chance of being noticed. Sometimes I did, and really occasionally attracted the attention of real creeps who think its acceptable to grope inappropriately. I know the point of going out isn't to get noticed, but for me I felt like I had to. Throughout my teens I constantly felt inadequate and plain compared to my friends. On my down days I still feel like this now, but have much better coping strategies.

Sorry I've rambled a bit. If you were to take anything from this it would be just be happy with who you are. If you like partying that's fine and if, like me, you enjoy staying in whilst your friends go out. That's okay too! Your friends won't stop being your friends just because you don't like going out. If so they aren't real friends.

xx

Ways to fix a bad day

Everyone has bad days, you could have had a bad day at work, something could be going on at home, or it could just be one of those days where anxiety is just too much for you. For me, there are some days as I've said before where I can't even face leaving home. There are also some days where I have the luxury of staying in and some I have to go out. On those days there are a few things I do to make those bad days that bit better.

On the days I can stay in I usually do a mixture of things, sometimes I draw or bake. Mostly I just binge on TV shows or end up in a YouTube black hole (we've all been there) or I read a book. But there are 3 main things I do every time:

1. This time of year means any excuse to wear jumpers. But I've found when I'm feeling low a throw on some comfy leggings and jumper. That feeling of comfort makes me feel like I can get through the day.

 2. My guilty pleasure is definitely watching Ellen clips on YouTube. She always cheers me up when I need to smile. I picked out a couple of my favourite guests, Wanda Sykes and Melissa McCarthy.

3. Going on Pinterest and just browsing. sometimes I pick something like Harry Potter and type funny or facts. Other times I look up quotes, or random funny things. This ends up getting me through a bug chunk of my day. Pinterest is great at making you find completely random, funny or cute things (sometimes a combination of the three), and before you know it you are sitting there smiling. 

I realise the last two are really just being glued to a screen, but reading a book is just as good. I mainly fall back on having YouTube on as a way to plug headphones in and just be in my own world. Its also because I spend a lot of the day applying for jobs so helps me concentrate. There are so many things you could do and these were just a handful of my examples. But bad days do pass, sometimes the bad days turn into a bad week. But that's okay, just keep going. Things always get better.

xx

Stress and pressure

For me stress and pressure are linked so it made sense for me to merge them into one post. People get stressed and people feel pressure at some point in their lives for all sorts of reasons. Usually these feelings come at the same time. The main ones being work, family and friends, money and society.

Society has become one that has caused more pressure for a lot of people, myself included. Whilst there are days when I can say:

                   'I am me and shouldn't let other people's appearance impact me..'

That isn't always possible. The media puts pressure and girls (and boys) to look a certain way. So sometimes when I watch films or TV programmes, I feel completely inadequate and a pressure to do more to look 'good'. But I eventually convince myself to get back to a level where I feel even slightly okay about how I look. I mainly do this by talking to friends, or I just let the emotions out which more often then not helps the feeling pass.

Work pressure is another massive issue for people. This could be to do with workload from school/college/uni or when you get a job. Finding work for me has been extremely stressful and slowly felt more and more pressure to get one otherwise I wouldn't have money to do things I enjoyed and end up having to spend the rest of my life job hunting. This attitude isn't necessarily helpful getting you into work. So I had to keep telling myself it will happen soon, it just takes longer for me than everyone else. It doesn't mean employers don't like me, just I tend to lack experience.  

When these pressures build up it makes me stressed. Then I start to stress over the little things which then leads onto getting frustrated very quickly. Even over the little things. So here's a couple examples of one thought train I've had quite alot:

-I could be job searching for a month, then get stressed with not getting anything or one interview and being turned down. This then turns into frustration, then slowly turns into anger. Then anger usually leads to tears. I'm one of those people who cry when they're angry so it tends to lead to tears. This cycle could happen everyday for a week before the penny finally drops and I realise I just need to be patient.

-Throughout school up until university I have always hated not understanding a topic. And there's sometimes I could sit for ages and someone could attempt to explain it and I just can't get it. Which then stresses me out because I have to understand it for an exam/essay. This again leads to frustration and more tears. But it's okay not to understand something, you can't expect to know everything in life because what is easy for you is difficult for others.

xx

What its like to have anxiety

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. By that I mean the triggers and how often it happens are different. Its one of those things that is really hard to describe because your head is constantly busy. But the core feelings or symptoms, if you like, are similar (tight chest, feeling sick, jelly legs, shaking etc). The reasons tend to be similar too: bullying, traumatic events, other mental illnesses to name a few.

There's always quotes all over Facebook saying 'Anxiety isn't just panic attacks'. And that's true. For me, it feel like there's a huge weight sitting on my chest and I cant breathe. My hands shake, I get tension headaches and I dig my nails into my skin. I don't do this to purposefully hurt myself and never break the skin, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. Its just a way to distract my brain from the negative thoughts.  There are points in the day where I feel that stressed and overwhelmed I just cry, sometimes I don't even know the reason behind it.

I constantly feel like I am not worth people's time, which the logical side of me knows isn't true. But when I arrange to meet people there's a part of me that always questions why they would want to. As silly and illogical as it may sound. Along with this, it means I find it hard to 'self myself' during interviews because I don't see my worth. I struggle in crowds, busy restaurants, public transport, just anywhere with a lot of people. My head goes into complete overdrive as I hate being stuck in a place where I can't see a way out, I am looking at everyone wondering what they are thinking when they look at me.

For me personally, it's usually when I withdraw completely into myself its because I've ended up at my low point. I sit staring at one place, or curled up with my knees drawn up to my chest. Everything becomes so overwhelming and I have no way to process it when I'm sitting there alone.

There's days when I feel 'fine', days I feel completely low all day and some a mix of the two. Then there's some days that one thing trigger you and it spirals a good day into a bad one. But amongst the negative there's always something positive. What I have realised is my inner strength, the support I have and the little things in life that keep me going. There's probably a lot I've left out either because I've said them in previous posts, or my brain isn't quite willing to share just yet.

xx

Life lessons

It seems a bit early to be reflecting on life. But there is a lot that has happened and I've learnt a lot from it. A lot of these are quite similar, or link, so if I end up repeating myself. Firstly sorry, and second, I find if I keep telling myself something over and over, eventually I'll find a way to believe it.

1. Don't believe the things you tell yourself late at night
Everyone does this to some degree, just some more than others. You've put your pj's on and get comfy in bed then thoughts start to creep up on you, before you know it, you are in a thick fog of negativity. But pondering on the negative doesn't help you, it affects your sleep which in turn will affect you the following day. Those negative thoughts at any time of the day are false and finding a way to change your thinking will help. I can do a more detailed post in the future when I am further into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) than I currently am.

2. Things get better
There will be points in your life where you hit low points and sometimes rock bottom. But from that you'll begin to build yourself back up again. It could be anything, like sitting talking to a friend and you laugh until your sides hurt and think, wow I haven't laughed like that in so long. Or someone comes along that makes you feel happy again. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, its the little things that help keep you positive and eventually build you up to a place where you feel comfortable again.

3. You are worth it
You'll get into relationships and friendships where you aren't always appreciated, or get treated badly. And it hurts. A lot. So when something good does come along, it makes you feel like its too good to be true, or the more popular:
             'What did I do to deserve this?'
And the answer simply is: Because you do. You've found someone who fully supports and appreciates you.
There are people in life you'll come across who aren't nice. But you need to learn to find a way to accept that you are worth the good attention you receive and heal from the bad. It will take a while and you'll feel worse on some days more than others. Stick at it, once you are on the other side it will feel worthwhile.

4. Be true to who you are
You should always be true to yourself. Even if that self is completely different to what is splashed across magazines. If you are a person who loves sitting in on a Friday night instead of putting on makeup and going clubbing that's fine (and vice versa). But don't do it because you feel pressured into it, it's okay to say no. Your friends will understand if they are good friends.

5. Don't regret, learn and find a way to heal.. Enough said really..

I hope you can take something from this ramble and that it helps in some way. Even if its that someone else is thinking the same as you.

xx

Anxiety misconceptions

Anyone who has any kind of illness, whether its physical, mental or anything else that I can't think of, always face negativity. Here's some things that have been said to me and what its like for me in reality.

'You look fine' 
'You must be faking it'  
'Get over it'  
'I get sad sometimes too so just come out. It'll make you feel better'  
'You don't look like you are suffering'

I could be here all day.. So here's what its like for me in reality.

Most days I go through a whole day where I am fine. By fine I mean I have little to no negative thoughts, and if I do I manage. But on my bad days, everything I do, even the little things like texting friends or leaving the house to go to the shop is a struggle. What's frustrating is that I wish I could go out more. That the thought of going to a restaurant doesn't bring me to a crying mess because I'm worried what people will think of me. There's days where I have to force myself to do things that scare me. That could be something as simple as going to the cinema. What I'm trying to say is that, like anyone, I have good days and bad days.

To those who think people are faking mental illness, try thinking of the last time you were sad, angry, worried or scared. Combine all of those feelings and imagine feeling like that constantly for a week, then a month. Now imagine living with it for a year. Mental health is something we have to take so much more seriously. Just because someone looks as though they aren't struggling doesn't mean they aren't. If you think of it that way you will realise it isn't something that you just 'get over'. Its a constant battle.

This post has come across as a bit more of a rant than I'd like. And I've tried to be as careful as I can how I've worded things, But it is also showing you shouldn't judge someone by the smile on their face because sometimes its hiding a lot of thoughts, most of which could be negative.

xx