Saturday, 20 August 2016

What its like to have anxiety

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. By that I mean the triggers and how often it happens are different. Its one of those things that is really hard to describe because your head is constantly busy. But the core feelings or symptoms, if you like, are similar (tight chest, feeling sick, jelly legs, shaking etc). The reasons tend to be similar too: bullying, traumatic events, other mental illnesses to name a few.

There's always quotes all over Facebook saying 'Anxiety isn't just panic attacks'. And that's true. For me, it feel like there's a huge weight sitting on my chest and I cant breathe. My hands shake, I get tension headaches and I dig my nails into my skin. I don't do this to purposefully hurt myself and never break the skin, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. Its just a way to distract my brain from the negative thoughts.  There are points in the day where I feel that stressed and overwhelmed I just cry, sometimes I don't even know the reason behind it.

I constantly feel like I am not worth people's time, which the logical side of me knows isn't true. But when I arrange to meet people there's a part of me that always questions why they would want to. As silly and illogical as it may sound. Along with this, it means I find it hard to 'self myself' during interviews because I don't see my worth. I struggle in crowds, busy restaurants, public transport, just anywhere with a lot of people. My head goes into complete overdrive as I hate being stuck in a place where I can't see a way out, I am looking at everyone wondering what they are thinking when they look at me.

For me personally, it's usually when I withdraw completely into myself its because I've ended up at my low point. I sit staring at one place, or curled up with my knees drawn up to my chest. Everything becomes so overwhelming and I have no way to process it when I'm sitting there alone.

There's days when I feel 'fine', days I feel completely low all day and some a mix of the two. Then there's some days that one thing trigger you and it spirals a good day into a bad one. But amongst the negative there's always something positive. What I have realised is my inner strength, the support I have and the little things in life that keep me going. There's probably a lot I've left out either because I've said them in previous posts, or my brain isn't quite willing to share just yet.


Saturday, 6 August 2016

Life lessons

It seems a bit early to be reflecting on life. But there is a lot that has happened and I've learnt a lot from it. A lot of these are quite similar, or link, so if I end up repeating myself. Firstly sorry, and second, I find if I keep telling myself something over and over, eventually I'll find a way to believe it.

1. Don't believe the things you tell yourself late at night
Everyone does this to some degree, just some more than others. You've put your pj's on and get comfy in bed then thoughts start to creep up on you, before you know it, you are in a thick fog of negativity. But pondering on the negative doesn't help you, it affects your sleep which in turn will affect you the following day. Those negative thoughts at any time of the day are false and finding a way to change your thinking will help. I can do a more detailed post in the future when I am further into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) than I currently am.

2. Things get better
There will be points in your life where you hit low points and sometimes rock bottom. But from that you'll begin to build yourself back up again. It could be anything, like sitting talking to a friend and you laugh until your sides hurt and think, wow I haven't laughed like that in so long. Or someone comes along that makes you feel happy again. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, its the little things that help keep you positive and eventually build you up to a place where you feel comfortable again.

3. You are worth it
You'll get into relationships and friendships where you aren't always appreciated, or get treated badly. And it hurts. A lot. So when something good does come along, it makes you feel like its too good to be true, or the more popular:
             'What did I do to deserve this?'
And the answer simply is: Because you do. You've found someone who fully supports and appreciates you.
There are people in life you'll come across who aren't nice. But you need to learn to find a way to accept that you are worth the good attention you receive and heal from the bad. It will take a while and you'll feel worse on some days more than others. Stick at it, once you are on the other side it will feel worthwhile.

4. Be true to who you are
You should always be true to yourself. Even if that self is completely different to what is splashed across magazines. If you are a person who loves sitting in on a Friday night instead of putting on makeup and going clubbing that's fine (and vice versa). But don't do it because you feel pressured into it, it's okay to say no. Your friends will understand if they are good friends.

5. Don't regret, learn and find a way to heal.. Enough said really..

I hope you can take something from this ramble and that it helps in some way. Even if its that someone else is thinking the same as you.